Are you struggling to get along with your current partner? Have you had a string of relationships where everything started out great but things just fell apart?

It's possible that they were the problem. Maybe they were too clingy, narcissistic, insecure or overbearing. However, there might have been another reason why none of those relationships worked out. You may have been setting yourself up for failure.

No one wants to believe that they are the saboteur of their own relationships. "I know that I want to be happy, so why would I do that to myself?" The reality is that you might not even know that you're doing it.

It takes a great deal of courage to look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge the truth, to be accountable and accept ownership of the role that you played. As challenging as this may be, it's the only way you’ll be able to break the habit and end the cycle.

Unsure what to look for? In her book Relationship Saboteurs, clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Dr. Randi Gunther identified ten common relationship-sabotaging behaviors:

1. Insecurity: Will you love me forever?"
2. Needing to Control: "I run the show."
3. Fear of Intimacy: "I need you, but not that close."
4. Needing to Win: "I dare you to challenge me."
5. Pessimism: "If I don't expect anything, I won't be disappointed."
6. Needing to Be Center Stage: "Pay attention to me."
7. Addictions: "I've got to have that."
8. Martyrdom: "Maybe it'll be my turn someday."
9. Defensiveness: "It's not my fault.""
10. Trust Breakers: "I never really agreed to that."

Don't beat yourself up too much if you recognize any of these patterns in yourself. Instead, take this newfound awareness and use it as a catalyst for change. To help you on your journey of growth and development, Dr. Gunther offered a series of steps to guide you.

These steps pose their own challenges. They also require a certain amount of effort on your part and a commitment to yourself to follow through. That said, if this is the change that you want and are ready for, these techniques really do work.

Step 1: Observe your behavior without judgment

The first step is to be able to step back and recognize your behavior. Being mindful and observing—without judgment—serves to open your eyes and brings with it the conscious awareness of any self-sabotaging behaviors you may exhibit.

Step 2: Find the roots of your behaviors

Your past experiences greatly influence your behavior patterns. Bad experiences, especially ones at an early age when you don't have the emotional maturity to process them, can have a profound effect on how you relate to and interact with others later in life. Tracing your behaviors back to their source can help you recognize that while they may have been appropriate at the time, they are not applicable for you now.

Step 3: Identify your triggers

Can you identify times when you have behaved uncharacteristically or reacted out of proportion? If so, something in that encounter likely triggered some underlying emotions that you had yet to release. All it takes is for someone to say or do something in the present that acts as the spark that ignites the powder keg hiding underneath the surface. Only once you recognize what your triggers are can you effectively deal with them.

Step 4: Examine when you are most susceptible

Are there specific traits or behaviors in your partner that set you off? Did you pick someone who is just like a partner you had in a past relationship? Or maybe there's a specific place where you had a particularly bad experience, so much so that that being there surfaces all of that pain and discomfort. Recognize these as the signposts that they are, pointing you in a direction where you can take action.

Step 5: Create a new vision and find alternative behavior

Who you are isn't written in stone. Your past may have shaped you into the person you are today, but that doesn't mean it's who you have to remain. Life is a continuous evolution. With your new insight and awareness, you can now take the reins and lead that evolution.

Step 6: Find witnesses and support

You can't always do it all on your own, which is why it's so important to have a support network of people who you can turn to and rely on. Not only can you lean on them when you're struggling, they're also there to keep you on track and hold you accountable.

Step 7: Stay focused

Your resolve may fade. You may feel weak. You may even start to backslide. That's natural. Any type of change is accompanied by some resistance. You may not like the rut you've been in, but it's your rut. There is a sort of comfort in the familiar, even if that 'familiar' is uncomfortable. If you feel yourself wavering, shift your focus back to your end goal—becoming the "You" as you define for yourself. Visualization can be a powerful tool at this stage. See yourself as that person, living that life. Allow yourself to experience the freedom, the joy, the sheer exhilaration.

Change doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen. One way to stay motivated is to celebrate each step you take. Give yourself a pat on the back for each bit of progress you make. Just by choosing to take the time to look inside and be honest about what you see, you've already expanded your awareness and taken the first step to a healthier you of your own conscious design and making healthier and more meaningful connections in your relationships.